monologue

I will infiltrate them behind enemy lines.

I’m still not sure how I will do it, but it’s one of those things that will always be on the back burner, like:

1. make an appointment with dentist
2. there’s got to be a better way for trash to leave nyc
3. how is my dog doing in LA
4. how many ways can I destroy Yelp

I used to want to be an ‘elite’ so bad (see above), but right when I got that stupid tag and started getting invites to limited events to mingle with other self-entitled ‘foodie’ morons, I finally saw the light by looking into a living, breathing, mirror of ugly  that was another Yelp elite.

I die.

The internet turns everyone into an expertise, an instant connoisseur, the toughest critique. And good for the internet, really. But match that with the impossible standards of the hungry ones always surrounded by good food, with our hungrier bank accounts who can’t tell a shit of a difference between grass-fed and corn-fed beef, and it is the perfect formula to destroy smaller, family-owned, local-loving, health-conscious, food-loving restaurants with good intentions.

There’s this chart for the services of design, but it can generally work across most services. Replace ‘great’ with ‘pretty delicious’ and that is the trifecta that usually gets 5 stars on Yelp, but those three things also apply to almost every item on the 99 cents menu at every fast food stop. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. (I still love you, McDonald’s soft serve and Arby’s curly fries).

But that’s a pretty pathetic standard. I’m not saying Yelp is breeding fast food restaurants, but the rating system just lends itself to inaccuracy. A system of 5 stars just doesn’t work  in a group of lazy-asses where the most of us don’t want to read shit when we’re hungry, especially when the 1-star was based on the lack of parking, lack of toiletpaper in the restrooms, or other ridiculous rating criteria that Yelpers bring to the table to one up one another.

I feel like a lot of smaller restaurants/services with good intentions get flamed and die without a real chance just because all because the reviewer was on her period (I can say that because I get periods too) or because the restaurant happened to be short-staffed at that hour.

I don’t know if it’s a better rating system or following the saying: If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all, but something needs to happen… fast. Suggestions?